Who am I..? I’m a survivor!!
Who am I you may ask? I’m a survivor! A survivor of what you may also ask? A survivor of rape, physical and emotional abuse, domestic violence, eating disorders and my own mental health. I openly suffer with CPTSD, Agoraphobia, Depression, Anxiety as well as social anxiety; Binge/Bulimia eating disorders, OCD,panic attacks as well as having a chronic illness.
I get asked a lot how I hold my head up after going through so much in my life... the truth is I sometimes can answer that with “because I want to make a difference” or with “because I’m a survivor not a victim” and other times I just smile because I often ask myself the very same question. I used to think if you had to be anyone, you had to be the smiley perfect version of yourself that others wanted, at the time they wanted it.. but the truth is with this only came exhaustion, despair and giving others a huge amount of control over my own life. For years I lived like this, falling into others traps, collecting mental health issues along the journey which I would then be judged for by the same people who helped create them.
Over the many years of different traumas I experienced (which I will go into in more detail in different blogs I create), I learnt to create specific masks for specific people and situations. For years I was convinced this was working and I would push a side the traumas I went through and the abuse I experienced as if they was normal... but on one cold dark night my life was to change and was about to be thrown into a turmoil of which I could no longer ignore this.. This was the night I was raped!!
Since this devastating night I have gone through things you should never have to experience in any life time (but this is for another blog, another time) and due to thankfully, a team and a charity who helped support me in my time of destruction and need, I went through two years of extensive therapy which took a girl of many broken pieces and many broken heartaches in her life and managed to help open my eyes to the fact that yes I am a survivor but most importantly I am me!! And that being me,is okay.
I have messy hair, I’m not a perfect body size, I’m not always positive, I do have my breakdowns/Dips in my mental health, I do have my own issues, I am allowed to express my own feelings without guilt... because #ItsOkNotToBeOk because it’s ok to be who I want to be... because without me there isn’t anything Left but a masked robot...So now when you ask me who I am.. and how I hold my head up?
I will simply reply... I am a survivor.... and I am my very own unique version of me!
Copyright (C) 2019 Pinkster C 14/01/2019