It might be a CRAZY LIFE but ITS OUR LIFE!
I had been asked to write a piece on myself and my diagnosis and have received no reply if there’s spelling mistakes I do apologise. This is my first non poetry blog and probably my last all for one reason World Suicide Prevention Day.
I was diagnosed with C-PTSD a while ago. For anyone who doesn’t know what this diagnosis is or means I shall explain to you what it is and how it affects you. Most people with C-PTSD have (usually not always) been through childhood trauma usually sexual abuse or domestic abuse during early development and this carries through into adult life until you go through so much trauma in your life that eventually you just break. In my instance it was very early childhood abuse I won’t delve too far into that and the straw that broke the camel’s back was being mugged at knife point.
I actually told the person to kill me any way(because I didn’t feel like I deserved to live) but they merely wanted to rob me of my money and had no intention of using the knife. I can still see it to this day. I had been drinking and ended up somewhere I shouldn’t with a woman who had led me to an isolated area.
This was obviously a setup which they had done many times before but I don’t think they expected the reaction they got. I was that drunk she already had my phone I trusted her it was stupid looking back on it. When she led me into an alley and I seen a guy with a face mask on with his hood up I knew I had walked into a potentially fatal trap.
What really sobered me up was the blade, I remember it so clearly like it was yesterday the hilt was red and the blade was curved it was a switchblade kind of knife and by the way he was holding it he knew how to use it.
I had already attempted to commit suicide so many times so I wasn’t scared I wanted him to kill me at that point and told him to kill me if he wanted my money. I seen it as a gift that someone could do what I had failed so many times whether through suicide attempts or drugs and alcohol.
I told him to stab me in the heart and exactly where to aim for. I called him a coward I had previously as a younger lad(17) tried to kill myself by slitting my own throat so I know where the carotid artery is as the surgeon told me I was a millimetre from nicking it (and that would have been game over) so I knew where all my major arteries were too and told him to aim for my neck!
He took some swipes at me after asking me for my money. It was days before Christmas and I couldn’t afford to give my money away. I said to him that’s pathetic and showed him my neck and told him to cut here if he wanted to kill me.
Instead of swiping at me this time he stole the silver chain I was wearing which was sentimental to me. This made me calm down. I said look I’ll give you some money if you give me the chain back I don’t care about anything but the chain. So I went to get money out and he swiped my wallet and ran.
I screamed at him he was a coward and come back and finish the job. Obviously he never so yeah that’s the straw that broke the camel’s back but my problems are much deeper than that as I was told and knew anyway already.
I rang the police they didn’t come it was Christmas time and about 3 in the morning so I walked home kind of stunned. So the symptoms of my condition include
• Disassociation (Feeling detached from yourself)
• Derealisation (Feeling like things aren’t real)
• Depersonalisation (Not really knowing who you are)
• Extreme anxiety
• Suicidal thoughts
• Unwanted flashbacks from scents, places anything really
• Inability to concentrate
• Bitterness (Why me)
• Physical aches and pains
• Suicide attempts
• Many many more symptoms it’s hard to keep Track
Now I’m trying my best to recover I have been through stages of agoraphobia to the point of being scared of going in the shower multiple suicide attempts. I have nearly died 4 or 5 times through drug overdoses, once I hung myself and the belt snapped, when I was 17 I slit my own throat(as mentioned), jumped off bridges, I could go on. I have been sectioned under the mental health act for my own safety and all because of what happened when I was a child.
It’s stuck with me in every way. The way I act, my empathy, my intrinsic need to help other people even if I’m a complete mess myself.
Since the attack I have had EMDR therapy which didn’t work because I didn’t want to remember my childhood and was resistant to the therapy. My mind deals with things by forgetting about them even now. I guess that’s why I’m addicted to helping people. I’ve been addicted to alcohol and drugs, gambling, eating disorders you name it if it’s self destructive chances are I’ve done it and to the maximum.
I have many compulsions that just make no sense. I have to fill the hole I feel inside of me with something otherwise I don’t feel right at all. I don’t drink or smoke anymore and over the past year or so have been rebuilding myself and not just focusing solely on helping others and I have reaped the benefits personally in doing that.
I’m still much better at solving others problems than my own though but I now see all those times I survived suicide as a gift and I treasure every day of my life.
Tomorrow is never promised do not take life for granted. My mantra is if I can make just one person smile a day then that day has not been a failure. Without laughter in your life you will always remain in the dark and I don’t want to be in the dark anymore. My last suicide attempt was in April 2013 and I won’t be doing it again believe me.
Life is a gift don’t waste it and if you are in trouble always remember to have a support network that you trust. Make it as large as you can and you are welcome to lean on me if you need to I’ll be there if I can.
I think you have listened to me bang on enough by now about myself so I’ll stop there’s so much more to tell but I must wrap it up.
Never forget that you are worthy of life and sometimes life isn’t fair but sometimes we just have to be strong and think of the positives. You are a beautiful and unique human being don’t let anyone tell you any different.
I hope this helps someone at least just one person and I will be happy to have gone through writing it for you because it took a hell of a lot out of me to do so please What ever you do do not think suicide is the answer and if you don’t suffer from Depression don’t make light of someone’s suffering you never know they may just do something that you’ll never forget. Hindsight is a beautiful thing.
Have a lovely evening or day whenever you read this.
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